I write down everything I hear or read that makes me laugh or impacts me in any way. If I remember to later, I upload them here.
“He also name drops as if the crackerjack toy factory exploded free good into his backyard.”
– Chris Nitz
“I… I’m not sure I can describe how terrible it is. After I was done vomiting blood and rolling around in my own feces on the floor, I took out the game and put in DW7 [Dynasty Warriors 7] which then seemed like GOTY material.”
– Ross Polly
“Apple + shoelace = helicopter”
– Blake Grundman
“If your cat doesn’t fall off the table, you aren’t trying hard enough.”
– Ross Polly
“You’ve put your nose in a place that’s too late.”
– Brittany Horton
“I’m a sucker for a good seizure joke.”
-Blake Grundman
“holy fuck… I just simulated creating 20,000 users in our system and made it shitbomb in a fantastic swandive of failsauce”
-IM from Blake Grundman
“Goddamn Auto Correct changed ‘gangbusters’ to ‘gangbang.'”
-Ross Polly
“A Spice Girl kicked my ass.”
-Ryan Olsen
“I’m a nerd with principles.”
-Blake Grundman
“IF YOU TAKE THE REVIEW CODE AND DISAPPEAR, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND BASH YOUR FINGERS ON A KEYBOARD UNTIL SOMETHING RESEMBLES AROUND A PAGE OF WORDS.”
-Ryan Olsen
“The Death Star is like sex with Darth Vader: cold, it fires quickly, usually only fires once & there’s a lot of tears afterwards.”
–DeathStarPR tweet
“I nearly forgot a very key ingredient when going out for the day: pants.”
-Christi Biddy
Joey Davidson: awesome town
Me: is that better than awesome sauce?
Joey Davidson: where do you think they make awesome sauce?
Me: good point
Joey Davidson: it isn’t in lame town
-IM Conversation with Joey Davidson
“What is the best nation? Donation!”
-Hembree
“When life gives you lemons make lemonade. Then give it to your enemies cause it’ll be real shitty unless life gave you sugar too.”
-Blake Grundman
“All editorialists are basically assholes.”
-Joey Davidson
“This town is devoid of humor; just smelly pseudo-intellectual hippies who are too busy cramming Noam Chomsky books up their ass and enjoying it.”
-Ryan Olsen
“The cure for hindsightness is to get your head out of your hind.”
-Me
“It’s a lifestyle choice. Some people are straight, some are gay, and some people have an iPhone.”
-Christi Biddy
“Mom always said that if I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”
-Jennifer Daniel
“As bad as it seems, I’d much rather be down here than in your stomach after one of your pig out sessions.”
-Vegeta
“If you ever can sniff masking tape, I swear to God it smells like bacon.”
-Joey Davidson
“I didn’t think I smelled like old tortilla chips.”
-Joey Davidson
“Eric is every Lifetime movie ever made.”
-Brad Hilderbrand
“The English Language raped my parents and I have a vendetta against it.”
–Eric Frederiksen
“I demand serious accuracy when talking about a plumber that rides a dinosaur in order to save a princess from a turtle king in the land of mushroom people.”
–Matthew Green
“Physical appearance needs savestates.”
–Matthew Green
“I’ll just make up what I think it is rather – gears of war meets devil may cry meets hello kitty island adventure.”
-Ryan Olsen
“Sorry if I text slow. I sent one of my fists over to your house to deliver a punching.”
-Christi Biddy
“That’s so much easier than dying.”
-Christi Biddy
“I’m about ready to punch this week in the face.”
-Christi Biddy
“I want to punch CoD fans in the eyeballs.”
-Ryan Olsen
“Do your best, Trunks! Oh wait, his best could hurt someone. Do okay!” – Krillin
– Dragonball Z
“Your useless tricks are stupid and useless!”
– Dragonball Z
“I thought your Dad was with another woman!” – Videl
“Oh no, just dead.” – Gohan
– Dragonball Z
“I would punch babies for that thing.”
– Eric Frederiksen
“JU-ON: The Grudge is about as psychologically deep as a limerick featuring a man from Nantucket.”
– Matt Pearce
“I love me some Wiimote bloodshed.”
– Blake Grundman
“You’re one of my fav Kombo people because you don’t put up with shitty work.”
– Brad Hilderbrand
“If there’s one thing I learned in home ec class, it’s always listen to the dude with the knives.”
– Duncan from Total Drama Action
“Give a man a hole and he has nothing. Give him a shovel, and he can dig a hole to keep his nothing in.”
– Harold from Total Drama Action
“I’ve been going through them [girlfriends] like it’s my day job.”
– Ken Cauley
“Zombie games have been beaten to death.”
– Joey Davidson from Kombo Breaker podcast
“The car can’t be comfortable if even hamsters look cramped.”
– Shawn
“Boss, I’d like a word.” – Peter Parker
“How about scram? Or two words, scram kid. Or seventeen, get out of my office in two point three seconds or I’ll staple you to the flagpole!” – J. Jonah Jameson
– Spectacular Spider-Man
“Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.”
– Kurt Vonnegut
“I mean–think about it–in the Middle Ages most people didn’t live past 40. And most of us gripe about airline travel.”
– Dan Birlew
“I just want to play with my fish that hate me.”
– Rin
“That was a shocker. Even I’m shocked, and I already knew the answer.”
– Total Drama Island
“You’re such a big liar that if you were a treasure chest, you’d be lying at the bottom of the ocean!”
– The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack.
“Jobs are for landlubbers with no sense of adventure… and fashion.”
– The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack
“Gilbert Gottfried had a baby! Who would fuck you? You have the sex appeal of a school bus on fire.”
– Greg Giraldo
“You almost died!” – X
“Yeah, it was pretty horrible.” – Speed
– Speed Racer: The Next Generation
“You’re so deep in the closet, you’re finding Christmas presents.”
– Family Guy
“Do you really think I cheated?” – Speed
“No. But I didn’t think Connor would have a panic attack if I moved his stapler, and we all know how that turned out.” – X
– Speed Racer: The Next Generation
“Homeschooling and reality TV do not mix.”
– Total Drama Island
“You shouldn’t share breastmilk with strangers.”
– Nicole Langley
“That was like watching two hamsters discuss geography.”
– Speed Racer: The Next Generation
“Ha! He won’t see my strangeness coming!”
– Speed Racer: The Next Generation
“And you wonder why most aliens will only speak with your livestock.”
– Ben 10: Alien Force
“There’s an after school special waiting to happen.”
– Megan
“Take this blog, for example. I could afford to pay an editor to correct all of my writing before all of you nitpickers notice that I can�t spell common words. Or I could save that money via a process that I call ‘not giving a shit.’ Ka-ching!”
– Scott Adams from his blog
“Who needs comforter jerky?”
– Julie after watching an infomercial on airtight storage
“A cruise line, and especially since the price has been so decreased, is basically a floating nursing home.”
-a nurse discussing her job working for Caribbean Cruises
“the DMV can kiss my butt!
6 points of id – that is unless you are a married female without any other picture ids
Bite me DMV – BITE ME!”
– an instant message from Bacon-kun after she returned from the DMV
“Be brave and remember–sticks and stones may break bones but names have a nasty way of appearing on Technorati and Google searches forever.”
– Francesco Marciuliano (of DrinkatWork.com and writer for Sally Forth)
“They say idle hands are the devil’s playground, so I usually keep a PS2
controller in mine. I figure if the sneaky bastard is going to be playing
anyway, the least he can do is help me level.”
– Evilminion
“You’re not famous until you’re a Pez dispenser.”
– Carrie Fisher
“I guess now that Hakudoushi’s gone, Naraku gets to wear the bastard pants in the family again. Well, considering that Kagura is against him and Kanna is MIA, he’s pretty much the only one left who CAN, considering Mouryoumaru doesn’t even WEAR pants.”
– Patches from Inu-Goya
“When you think about it, Cel Collectors wouldn’t make good super heroes….we wouldn’t have bus fare half the time, we’d get there eventually….”
– Bacon-kun
“You’ve never seen anime insanity until you’ve met a cel collector.”
– yours truly Yes I quote myself! You got a problem with that???
“I have an awful feeling that one of the network cards on the box may be butter toast.”
– noisywalrus, Admin of the Rubberslug Forums
“Countless readers have emailed me to tell me that being named after a deceased sibling isn’t creepy and it’s been the case for numerous people in history. Know what else has happened repeatedly in history? Female genital mutilation. I think that’s fucking bizarre and unnecessary, too.”
– Randy Milholland, Something Positive
“I honestly was going to get around to it, but I kinda got distracted by all the not caring I had to do.”
– Randy Milholland, Something Positive
“Dimwits need friends, too.”
– Bacon-kun
“Cel collecting. You can have it all. Except money.”
– Unknown
“Wal-Mart is the breeding ground for stupid people.”
– Christi Biddy
“Not all people are bad. Some people are dead.”
Unknown
“You should never argue with a moron. They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
Unknown
“Every time you make something idiot proof, someone will invent a better idiot.”
Unknown
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.”
Unknown
“Time travel…a cornucopia of disturbances.”
– character from Kim Possible
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
– Charles Schulz, Charlie Brown in Peanuts
“It isn’t wise to be rude to one’s mother. She knows everything about your childhood that is potentially embarrassing.”
– Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey, Elvenborn
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”
– Ellen Parr
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than it is to have them and not deserve them.”
– Mark Twain
“I think commas are a tool of oppression.”
– Mike Krahulik
“In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.”
– John C. Dvorak
“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.”
– Doug Larson
“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”
– Woody Allen
“Unauthorized use of Ctrl+Alt+Del materials, characters, images, sounds, odors, severed limbs, noodles, weird dreams, strange looking fruit, oxygen, and certain parts of Jupiter are strictly forbidden. If I find you violating, or molesting my property in any way, I will employ a pair of burly convicts to find you, kidnap you, and perform god-awful sexual experiments on you until you lose the ability to sound out vowels. I don’t know why you are still reading this, but by doing so you have proven that you have far too much time
on your hands, and you should go plant a tree, or read a book or something. But make sure to vote for me on your way out.”
– Tim Buckley
“Investigative journalism is easy. Anyone can do it. Everyone should do it. I want to see the day where all such mongers of disinformation are run out on a rail by an angry mob of Google users, Mississippi style. I want to see regular people like you and me brown-trousering the naughty 24/7, the avatars of deceit fleeing from a populace armed with the pitchforks of public record and the torches of FOIA, muttering “rhubarb, rhubarb,” as they usher in a new planet Earth. I’m all tingly just thinking about it.”
– Matt Boyd
“A dog thinks: Hey these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take good care of me…They must be gods!
A Chow thinks: Hey these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take good care of me…I must be god!”
– a web site explaining the difference between Chows and other dog breeds
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
– Sue Murphy
“The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.”
– Lucille S. Harper
“Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you!”
– Tommy Smothers
“There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.”
– Mr. Garrison, South Park
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
– Mark Twain
“Eating is necessary.”
– Schlotzsky’s billboard
“A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.”
– Jarrett Stampes (who else?)
“A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun!'”
– Jarrett Stampes
“There was no second thing. Only a first thing and a third thing.”
– Mario Panighetti, Zelda Comic
“I like what you’ve done with your hair. You’ve brought out the color that wasn’t there before.”
– a friend upon seeing my hair dyed red
“Early to rise, early to bed, makes one wise, but socially dead.”
– Animaniacs
“People who live in glass houses should dress with the lights off.”
– Animaniacs
“I spent a lot of my life being miserable. Then one day I thought, I’m here for the day, I can enjoy the day or not. I decided I might as well enjoy it.”
– Sean Connery, talking to Michael Crichton; recorded in Michael Crichton’s Travels
“I AM the burning bush.”
– Bryan Stevens, full of himself as always
“Go calculus someplace else.”
– Bryan Stevens, upon tiring of tutoring
“I love being a hypocrite.”
– Bryan Stevens
“Oh well. Tis better to be loved and confused than not to be loved and still be confused.”
– Chris Mixter
“Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.”
– Willaim Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
“I hate quotations.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
– Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary