If you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Facebook, then you know that back in mid-August, I unfortunately had another miscarriage. This one was at ten weeks along, and what made it far more tragic was the fact that I had already seen the baby via sonogram and heard the heartbeat. It felt unimaginably cruel, and still does, but I’m not going to rehash all that now. Soon after the miscarriage, I noticed that I became really upset and angry when I saw either pregnant women or babies–especially with babies.
People at church would ask if I wanted to hold their baby, and I always responded instantly with most likely a too harsh “No.” No, I don’t to hold your baby, I want MY baby.
I talked to a couple of friends about it, and they all assured me this was normal. I was grieving, after all, so that makes sense, right? It’s been nearly two months since then, and I still get absurdly jealous when I see babies. I saw a young woman at Target today with a young baby, and my first thoughts were, “Aw, look at the baby,” followed by, “Bitch” (toward the mother, not the baby).
Two months is a little ridiculous to keep feeling this way, right? I have two really close friends who are due within six months, and I really want to be happy for them deep down and not on the surface to save face. Is it going to take me getting pregnant again to get over it? Do I just need more time?
Whatever I need, the situation sucks. I don’t like feeling animosity toward total strangers. It’s not their fault I lost my baby. It’s definitely not their babies’ fault. It’s not even my fault. I know there’s no easy answer to this, but arrrrgh I want one so badly. It’s times like these that I really miss being on the crazy pills.
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