I have dreamed of being a novelist since the time I learned to read. I still have that dream, but for many reasons, I’m really scared to act on it. My biggest holdup is money, as I will have to dedicate large amounts of my day (or night) to writing several hours every day. That means that I won’t be able to do other (less exciting) work in order to write. It’s a huge gamble, and one that I don’t feel entirely comfortable with taking right now, at least not until my businesses take off. Of course, I have to take time out of my day to properly market my businesses, which just puts everything in a vicious cycle that I’m too scared to put in motion.

Then there’s the whole issue of video game writing. That is something that I never thought I would do, and now that I am doing it, I don’t want to quit that at all. However, I’m really stretched thin right now, too the point of slacking away from GA and SGR. Something has to give there, and I know it won’t be SGR. That is my baby, it is taking off, and I am NOT letting it go.

So after lots of waffling and obsessing, I’ve forced myself to ask if money was no object, what would I do? The response was so clear, it was almost a slap in the face.

• My businesses
• SGR
• My book
• Game Revolution

So yeah, I know what I need to do now. It won’t happen until this Fall due to commitments I’ve already made, but at least I know what it is I want to do, and therefore, what I need to do. That, in of itself, is an amazing relief.

It really has been way too long since I posted anything here. And a lot has happened. No, really, it’s true.

Not convinced? Well, how about the fact that I’ve started my own business? Yeah, I know…I’m just as shocked. Running my own anything was never a dream or even a thought of mine. I like sitting down, doing my job, and receiving that magical paycheck that suddenly appears. I’ve been pretty content doing just that at Content Solutions.

But apparently, my own business was to be thrust upon me by my friends.

It started with a college friend asking me for help in building him a new website for his chiropractic office. I told him I could build something simple, but I’m not a designer. I showed him what I could do, and he gave me the go ahead. He signed a proposal. I sat staring at it in shock. So then on a whim, I contacted another friend whom I knew builds websites for a living. Maybe she needed a writer or a SEO expert or something. Couldn’t hurt to ask, right? I asked, and she hired me on the spot for SEO for her clients. She’s already given me two projects, and then she hired me to run her own SEO for her business website.

Next thing I know, I have four phone calls from patients and friends of my chiropractor friend, all wanting website, writing, and SEO help. I mentioned this whole thing on Facebook, and a high school friend, who is now a surgeon, ordered his clinic’s office manager to contact me about SEO for their site. Proposals went out, I sat back, expecting nothing, and then suddenly, within two weeks, I have about 7 clients. And I’m still getting referrals from word of mouth! It’s insane!

I have no idea how long this will last, but I’m doing my best to just enjoy the ride for now. If this does work out, I wonder if I could finally find time to work on my book. That would be beyond awesome.

So with the unplanned sick leave and the inability to sit up for longer than 5 minutes without blacking out, I read the first two books of The Hunger Games in two days. This says two things: 1) the books are incredibly fast reads; and 2) the books are complete page turners.

I know this series is all the rave right now, but I really had my misgivings about it, especially after the Twilight series. Just because something is popular, doesn’t mean that it’s great. Well, so far, The Hunger Games has been absolute greatness.

The second book was a little “Really?!” at times, but it all came together for me very well near the end. With everything that happened, I’ve decided to step back from the series for a bit. It’s suspenseful and very violent. Almost too much for me at times, and it’s to the point that I will not see the movies when they release. How can I feel this way about this series and love Gears of War as much as I do? I suppose it’s because Gears is about killing monsters, and this is pretty much about children gladiators fighting other children gladiators. These monsters sit in the governmental seats.

With my luck, the final book is going to be a complete disappointment, but I’m holding on to some faith. But at least so far it’s been fairly consistent with a few weak plot devices in the middle book. The biggest disappointment is the names of the characters. I honestly think the author just gave up with this part of character development. Names aren’t everything, but I hate cringing every time I read it. Every name. Every time. They’re all bad, trust me.

:(

However, 2012 wanted me to not get too cocky that everything would go splendidly, as some jackwagon who has no idea how to hang out in the park across the street and not get wasted decided to take out our mailbox. They hit it so hard, the foundation of the brick mailbox was completely pulled up. I found bricks and concrete halfway down the street. During clean up, we found headlights, mudflaps, and bumper pieces. From the trail left behind, it looks like their radiator was destroyed. I hope their car is totaled AND they’re upside down on payments. Jerks.

As much of a pain in the ass that is, it’s not the worst thing to have happen in the world. Our house wasn’t destroyed (like my neighbor’s a few years ago), one of my dogs hasn’t suddenly died, and the three of us are healthy. It’s hard to stay bitter with that kind of perspective, but I still wish tons of bad things on the jerk who mowed down my innocent bystander of a mailbox.

But other than that one incident, the rest of 2012 looks to be fairly nice. If all goes well, I will be going to GDC and E3, and I will get a press pass to SDCC. I’m definitely going to SDCC, but it will be nice to not have to buy a badge since I doubt the flight and hotel will be cheap. We also have a trip planned with my family to St. John’s in November, barring any unexpected pregnancies between me and my sister.

I’m also going to take exercise a little more seriously by forcing myself to make goals. I’ve gained way too much weight near the end of 2011, and that’s enough of that. I nearly cried when I had to buy larger jeans, something I haven’t had to do since my freshman year of college. I signed up for the Hot Chocolate Run in Dallas, but I’m going to start very small by walking the 5K portion. I won’t be able to run long distances–as in longer than a couple of blocks–probably ever again, but it doesn’t mean I can’t walk half-marathons, which is going to be my next goal. I still have a goal of participating in a cycling race some day, but I haven’t had time to ride my bike in a year, and I don’t know when that will change. At this point, walking is going to be it.

I have a few other goals, like successfully working through my stack of shame, being a little more successful with my Stella & Dot business, and taking photography classes, but one thing at a time, right?

2012, let’s do this.

Over the last five or ten years, I’ve noticed that I’ve become a bit of a loudmouth. I always joke about my mouth getting me in trouble; after all, I’m fairly certain I’ll never get a “real” gaming journalism job thanks to my inability to keep quiet when I see ridiculocity, and I’m fairly certain I was fired from one job for my mouth. Most recently, a cousin has told me he never wants to speak to me again, thanks to me stupidly firing off at him on Facebook. And who can forget about my yelling at a cop in LA two years ago?

This brings me to something I’ve thought a lot about today: I think my loud mouth is a little out of control.

I honestly don’t mind that I may be on a black list from certain gaming media, because I wouldn’t be happy working for those standards in the first place. I also like that people know you’ll always know what I think. At the same time, I wonder how much of that is really a good thing.

Same goes with my joking. I’m full of sarcasm, and so are most of my friends, but sometimes that blows up in my face. I got in a sarcasm war with one of my closest friends and it escalated to the point that neither of us knew if the other one was joking anymore. We’re fine now, but I shouldn’t have let it blow out of proportion like that.

Makes me think that I’ll never really find a good fit at a “normal” office job, but I’m not outgoing enough to start my own business and find clients. So what does this mean for me? I should start on my book and make millions.

After we stuffed ourselves silly and emptied a bottle or two of wine, we left Gabe with them and prepared for our weekend of wedding fun.

I started the weekend by playing Deus Ex: Human Revolution, a game I hadn’t finished yet due to other review deadlines. On Friday I packed up to spend the remainder of the weekend in West End. My best friend, Christi, was getting married, and I was a bridesmaid (secretly, I called myself the matron of honor). The wedding was to take place in quite possibly the most fun place in Dallas: the Dallas World Aquarium.

In essence, I got to visit the Aquarium twice. We had to go over there for the rehearsal, and while we were waiting for people to set up, I ran around to look some of the exhibits. How often do I get to go to the Aquarium for free? Okay, well, I have been there for free two other times when I visited the venue with Christi, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to take advantage of other times. Since the wedding was there as well, and the exhibits were open during the reception, of course I took advantage of that too. I even got to see my favorite exhibit ever: the river otters. They were actually awake and I got to see them play a little bit before I had to go back to the wedding. They were about to cut cake, and I never pass up cake.

The cake cutting was by the manatee tank, which was several additional levels of awesome in of itself. I spent the rest of the night on the dance floor, as I am quite apt to do at weddings, even at weddings where I hardly know anyone.

By all accounts, the wedding was an absolute blast. One thing that surprised me the most was that I cried when I saw Christi walk down the aisle and then Dustin’s face when he saw her. After I recessed down the aisle and was hidden in the back, I started to bawl. I was just so happy for her that she found such a great guy. I blame it one hundred percent on hormones and my changed meds. And I’m sticking to that story.

Hate to say it, but future Thanksgivings have a pretty high bar to meet in terms of greatness. The only way to fix it may be to visit the Aquarium every Thanksgiving. That way, I’ll have turkeys and otters every year. Excellent.

Rin and I with Hachiko

I started 2011 with only one plan in mind–to go to Japan in June. My plan for everything else was to just stay as it had been. It ain’t broke, so don’t fix it, so to speak.

Well, we all know that came crashing down on Valentine’s Day this year, when Mufasa went from having a breathing problem to dying in a matter of hours. Suddenly, my perfect dog was gone, and that was most definitely not according to plan. Getting two German Shepard puppies a month later was also not part of the plan. And while at the time that seemed to be such a great idea–they’ll have each other, right?–has turned into a bit more trouble than planned. I cannot wait until they’re a year old and start calming down just enough to the point where I’ll feel comfortable having people over again. They aren’t mean dogs at all; they just get so excited and they’re too big to be so excited. They nearly knock me over sometimes, and unfortunately, they’re so rambunctious that Gabe is afraid of them. I know he’ll grow out of that, but for now, it’s such a beating.

Then, this summer, right after I got back from Japan, my best friend moved away. I’ve known it was coming for awhile, and I’m so happy that she’s so happy and she’s found the best guy in the world to marry. But it still makes me sad that she’s gone and is no longer a text away to meet for Starbucks. Not sure why all my gaming friends have to live so far away from me, but dammit, it would be nice to have someone close by to totally geek out with. My friends’ husbands just aren’t the same.

The big unplanned disaster happened just two weeks ago. After noticing some weird signs, I checked my calendar to see that my last period was oh, July 20th. Three pregnancy tests later, I accepted the fact that was indeed pregnant. It was a good thing, but not exactly a welcome one at the time. I hadn’t gotten off certain meds yet, so I had to place an emergency call to the doctor to find out how to get off them safely. Two I had to get off cold turkey, and the other I had to wean down. Getting off of those meds coupled with the pregnancy hormones was quite honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. I had never been so miserable in my life, and I was severely depressed in college.  Then right around this time, just as I was starting to get happy and deal with all the fun changes going on with me, I had a miscarriage.

To say I was devastated would be putting it mildly. I was only 9 weeks along, so it wasn’t like I had felt the baby move or anything like that, but I was angry and really wanted to know why this was happening. Why make me pregnant when I wasn’t planning on it, wait until I get happy about it, and then take it away? What is the point in that? Some sort of cruel test?

I’m not as angry about it anymore, but I’m going to be very cautious in the future if we choose to have a second child or if another surprise happens. Instead, I have other things I’m a little bummed about because certain job ventures are also not going to plan. I’m hoping it’s just an affect of this crappy economy we’re experiencing and things will pick up next year.

Oh, did I mention the fact that my favorite attorney boss ever committed suicide out of the blue in early September? Yeah, September was the worst.

But for now, I’m so done with 2011. I’m really ready for happier unplanned adventures.

I really, really didn’t like doing that. For starters, I felt incredibly harsh. I dismissed any resumes I found with a single spelling mistake, and any that had odd skills listings. Once we finished culling through them, I started to wonder how the hell I ever got hired for a job. Did my resumes look like that to employers? Does my resume look like that now? Do I list stupid things as skills? What red flags do I have on my resume that I never considered?

On the one hand, it was a good experience for me, but ugh, how I hated it. It also made me realize that it’s a good thing that I’m not really a manager in any capacity. I’d be a horrible boss to the point I’d come off as one of those stereotypical female bosses who has a chip on her shoulder and a ton to prove in a man’s world. And the sad thing is, none of that is true, I just have unreal expectations of people and I’m too blunt.

My other surreal moment came in a phone call yesterday from a good friend and former Kombo compatriot. He was in the process of applying for a gaming editor position and asked if he could use me as a reference. I said sure, but then he asked if it was okay if he submitted the reviews he has written for my strategy guide review site as samples. I stammered out a, “sure,” and then was blown away again when he asked me what his job title at SGR was and what mine was. I had no idea what to say. He said, “Should I say you’re the editor-in-chief?” Me? An editor-in-chief? When did that happen? I mean, SGR is a random video game fansite. Yes, I have a minimal “staff” that helps me out, contacts at strategy guide companies, and I chat with people in the video game industry on a regular basis, but to be listed on a resume as someone’s boss in the video game industry? To be asked if my site can be used in a portfolio…I was in shock. I mumbled out something that seemed to pass his satisfaction, and he thanked me and continued to hammer out his sure-to-be spectacular resume.

It’s little moments like these that make me think that SGR could go somewhere. Quick, someone ground me before I get too arrogant. Tell me I suck at writing. Go!

The kid just flat out doesn’t care that he’s wet. Or poopy. And he refuses to use the potty. I’ve tried to force him, but it created a horrible fight that I think no one won. I talked out my frustrations with another friend, and she assured me that I’m not alone. It took her awhile to potty train her daughter, and she has several friends who have had similar stubbornness with their kids. It made me feel so much better. Other than that one moment though, this has been a fairly horrible weekend filled with a lot of pee, poop, laundry, and tears.

At least now that his trains are gone, he’s starting to make the connection that what he is doing is wrong. He’s once again getting upset when he wets himself. Losing his toys coupled with the fact that we refuse to take him anywhere unless he goes potty first has finally started to make things sink in.

I’ll still take him to school, that’s a given, but if he thinks he’s going to go have playdates outside of the house, go out to eat, go play in the park, or go shopping without using the potty, he’s gravely mistaken. Granted, this is a punishment for us as well, but ugh, whatever it takes to stop cleaning up poopy pants.

I have a feeling that this is going to be one long process and a battle of the stubborn wills. Why did he have to get THAT trait from me? I have so many other bad traits to choose from.

On the one hand, I think, “Good riddance.” On the other, I realize that five years of my life has been wiped off record completely. I can’t use anything I wrote there for portfolio pieces. The only proof I have that I even worked there or that the site existed now are my check stubs and my E3 Media Badge. It’s a very disconcerting feeling.

While the last few months at Kombo were filled with stress and a lot of unhappiness for me, I still look back on the whole experience very fondly. I found Kombo back when it was called Advanced Media Network in 2005 while randomly surfing the internet at work. The day I happened to find them was also the day they put up an ad for new writers. I write! I like video games! I can do this! I had my initial “interview” with the EIC at the time, and based on my educational background, he asked that I come on as a copy editor instead, since I really have no experience in gaming journalism. At first I was a little put off by that, but it didn’t take me long to see that he was right. I knew absolutely NOTHING about the video gaming industry.

I sat back in the copy editing shadows for years. I gained courage to ask to write something once as part of the Christmas roundup, but I was asked to stay as an editor. It wasn’t until the third EIC changeover for me that I became a little more important to the organization as a whole. Suddenly I wasn’t in the shadows. Things weren’t published without my proofreads. I actually scored a paying gig with the team as a Content Manager. And that courage to ask to write bubbled to the surface once more with a rebuttal to an article my good friend Joey Davidson wrote about the role of females in video games. The Editorial Director at that time encouraged me to write more. And I did, sporadically.

Gradually I moved into reviewing smaller games, such as DSiWare and PSP Minis, and then the Reviews Director surprised me with asking me to review Final Fantasy XIII. At that moment, it was like I went from lowly copy editor to gaming writer. It was one of the most stressful things I have ever done, but I loved every minute of it.

Around that same time, the EIC position changed hands to Joey, and it seemed like Kombo was finally going to go somewhere. My loyalty to staying with the place and learning so much about the industry would finally pay off. I got to my first E3, meet a ton of gamers I’ve only talked to on Twitter, and solidify Kombo friendships I had already started.

But then, well, the big boom happened. Three months after E3, Kombo imploded. All of the upper management quit within hours, and then most of the senior staff decided to follow suit. The owner then decided to close shop, and he sold the domain to GameZone. A bunch of us who were very close at Kombo formed our own site with TheBigPixels.com, but we didn’t stay with it together for too long. We were all ready to move on to different things. I had already latched on to a former Kombro, Blake Grundman, and moved over to his site at Games are Evil and I was really wanting to work on strategyguidereviews.com and see what I could accomplish there. I wasn’t alone. We’re all spread out now, writing for different places, working in gaming PR for others, and some I am so proud to say have paying games journalism jobs.

I hated the last few months of Kombo, but I wouldn’t trade those 5 years for anything. I’ve made some incredible friends, learned more about the gaming industry than I ever would have thought possible, and improved my writing style over the years. It was a great place for me, and I’m very honored to have worked there and made the friends I have.

I’m just sad that all of my work has been erased like it was on a giant Magnadoodle. In my fury over the mass exodus, I ripped a few of my articles onto my portfolio here, but there are so many I didn’t go back and get. And they’re gone, save their memories of writing them, laughing over the hateful comments, and arguing my points with Joey, Brad, Eric, and Ryan.

Here’s to Kombo, guys. Thanks for everything.